


Fangs and Feathers

by Odin_the_Bi, Postmortal



Category: The Mechanisms (Band)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, F/F, Fluff, bad breakup times oops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-16 23:02:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29957250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Odin_the_Bi/pseuds/Odin_the_Bi, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Postmortal/pseuds/Postmortal
Summary: It's been years since Carmilla left the Mechanisms behind, leaving Raphaella, once her partner, heartbroken. Now, on a distant planet far too many years in the future, Raphaella has the chance to see her again.
Relationships: Dr. Carmilla/Raphaella la Cognizi
Comments: 1
Kudos: 3





	Fangs and Feathers

**Author's Note:**

> This started off as the two of us going back and forth about angsty Carmilla/Raphaella headcanons, and it's become quite the story already! We'll hopefully be making something of a series with this, so stay tuned if you like it! :D

**I.**

> Raph sees her and to Raph, the whole world goes bleak. Carmilla looks... Happy. And their eyes meet. And Carmilla smiles that intoxicating smile. And Raph feels her heart stop, she'd almost venture to say literally. And Carmilla dances over. And the only word Raph can muster is "Why?"

Oh, Raphaella sees that smile and she has to go outside. She should've known coming to one of Carmilla's new band's shows would be a bad idea. She's just crying in the alleyway outside whatever pub the show's at and she's not even aware Carmilla stopped the whole show then and there until she hears that voice, sweet as it's been in her dreams for years, asking her "Darling, are you all right?"

And she's not really sure how to answer.

* * *

**II.**

> Raph's first instinct is to punch her. Because _what the fuck! You just LEFT your girlfriend and kids!_ She wants to tell Carmilla she's horrible. She wants to scream, but all that dies the instant Carmilla tucks a stray strand of hair behind her ear.

"I fucking loved you, you _asshole!"_ is probably not the _best_ thing to say your estranged girlfriend, but it's nonetheless the _first_ thing Raphaella manages to get out.

"'Loved...' Past tense? So you don't anymore?" Almost hopeful, almost hopeless. Funny how a sentence can sound like two things at the same time. Funny how those two things aren't as opposite as they seem.

"You left! I know things on Aurora weren't always a picnic, but you just left one day and didn't come back!"

"I didn't _leave;_ I was _airlocked._ It wasn't my choice." Far too calm, Raphaella's certain. Talking down to her, surely.

"It was your choice not to come back, though. You could have sent a message along, at the very least, but you did _nothing._ Everyone thought you were dead- _I_ thought you were dead! And here you are, just having the time of your life without us!" She gestures toward the pub. "Looks like our replacements are suiting you just fine."

"Replacements? You think I'm _replacing_ you?" Incredulous, as if it's a ridiculous assumption to make, despite the evidence. "I _obviously_ wasn't wanted back on Aurora, but sure. How _dare_ I go round and find people who _do_ want me."

"What part of me giving you _literally everything I am_ made you think you weren't wanted? I trusted you! I put my life in your hands! I put my _heart_ in your hands, and none of that mattered in the end! You threw it all away, just like that!"

Raphaella always told herself that if she, somehow, ever did see Carmilla again, she wouldn't lose her cool. She'd collect herself, handle it maturely, be an adult. But everything's bubbling to the surface now; it's like all the wrong neurons are firing and every bit of control she has is being forced away by the sheer volume of once-repressed pain and heartbreak making itself known. Somewhere, as deep and desperate as the pain she's feeling now, she wants to stop herself. She wants to walk away and be done. Turns out that bit isn't half as strong as the need to fight, make herself heard, present herself as someone who can never be hurt like that again.

Carmilla laughs, something short, like it's not expecting itself. She's quiet when she responds, soft and almost reserved. She tucks a stray curl of hair behind Raphaella's ear. "You were always my best and worst mistake, darling."

* * *

**III.**

> Raph would probably shove her. She wants to _hurt_ Carmilla. She wants Carmilla to feel how she did. But her touch- Carmilla touches her, and it all comes back, and she feels sick, and her world is spinning. And she wants to be in Carmilla's arms. She wants to kiss her face, wake up and see her atrocious bed head.

And her thoughts are spiraling like that. She's about twenty different levels of conflicted and it feels like the world might just be crumbling down around her. Her stomach is turning in the worst way and she's almost certain the ground might just be yanked out from under her. She doesn't intend to, but she staggers forward a bit under the weight of all her emotions. Winds up leaning on Carmilla's shoulder. It's not the first time, but it feels nothing like the last, either.

"You're not right, love." Gentle, caring. She wants to embrace the comfort, wants to shove Carmilla away as hard as she can, wants to do something, _anything._ She manages to do nothing.

"Have you had too much to drink? That's dangerous when you're out alone like this, you know." Almost chastising, coming out more playful. Raphaella wishes she could respond. Wishes she could yell again. Wishes she could make Carmilla understand. But even she doesn't fully understand right now. She doesn't manage to say anything, but does somehow manage to start up a fresh wave of tears. Only some of it's frustration at herself. 

"Why don't you stay with me tonight? I'd take you back to Aurora, but you don't seem to be in the shape to give me directions at the moment." Raphaella nods weakly. Whatever she's feeling, there's hours and hours until morning. She'll work it out before then. Right now, she just needs to get somewhere that doesn't feel like a one-person carousel.

* * *

**IV.**

> Carmilla will tell Raph she needs to talk about this, she needs to be good to herself and release it all. Like she always did. The parallels between their final nights and this morning hurt, yes. But it felt _real._ It felt like Raph could hear the world a little clearer. She could feel the creeping edge of sleep, and the urge to just. Laugh. Laugh untill she keeled over dying, or something like that.

And she does. She laughs, but it's devoid of any real joy. It's manic, hysterical, exactly what you'd expect of a mad scientist, yet nothing like what Carmilla's come to expect from her. Something she's perfected since Carmilla left: Shoving her feelings down until she could pretend she feels nothing at all.

"What's so funny?" Honest confusion. Maybe the first honest emotion Carmilla's conveyed since last night. The only honest thing in general Carmilla's done in a while, Raphaella's sure.

"When I first woke up, I almost thought I could fix this. Felt like everything could go back to how it was before. Like it _had_ gone back to how it was before."

"It could. No reason we couldn't give things another try." Nonchalant, like it could go either way and Carmilla would be no better or worse off. Raphaella supposes that's true.

"Don't patronise me. If you'd wanted things to work out between us, you'd never have left in the first place. Besides, I'm just a mistake for you. You said as much last night."

"You misunderstood, darling. My best mistake was falling in love with you. I never meant it to happen, and then it did. The happiest accident of my life." She ends that on a laugh, another short sound unexpecting of itself, tripping out like the rest of her thoughts. "My worst mistake was not coming back. The first few years, I just needed to cool off. But all the years after that just felt like it'd been too long to just... Patch things up."

"No, don't give me that bullshit. You know if you'd bothered to come back yourself even centuries later, I'd have come running." Raphaella laughs at herself there, something quick and saturated with derision. "Pathetic, isn't it? That even all these millennia later, I _still_ want to come running."

"It's not pathetic at all! It's- It's reassuring, in a way-"

"Oh, is it now? Reassuring to you that you can just leave me in the dust and I still can't help but be in love with you? That you could hurt me as much as you want and I'd still be here, just waiting for you to come back?" The words come out like daggers, but the blades are duller than Raphaella wishes them to be.

"That's- I didn't- _Please,_ Raphaella, that isn't what I'm trying to say-"

"Then what _are_ you trying to say? Go on, but you'd better make it worth my time."

"I still love you. I always have. I never stopped. It's just reassuring there's a chance we might be able to fix this-"

"Oh, we're _well_ beyond that point, Carmilla." Her voice is flat when she continues, and she can almost believe herself. "There's nothing left to fix."

* * *

**V.**

> Carmilla will watch as Raph falls apart and for once, _she's_ hurting. She knows she's fucked over the woman standing in front of her, but her only reaction is to get up and, almost as if taken over by some... some _parasite,_ she grabs Raph's cheeks and very gently squishes her face, something she used to do to help her calm down. She can't help herself. She wants that love again.

And Raphaella swore to herself she wasn't going to break down again, but can she really help herself? First one tear escapes, then two, then ten, and then she wouldn't be able to count them if she tried. Carmilla pulls her close, holds her as tightly as she can, like letting go the first time truly _was_ a mistake, and she intends to correct it.

Once again, Raphaella finds herself wanting to sink into that warmth, that tenderness. Once again, she feels that restraint pushing her to shut everything down before she manages to get herself hurt again. She feels a gentle rumbling against her as Carmilla begins to sing. Dimly, she recognises it as a song from back home, one she taught Carmilla when they first started seeing each other.

She closes her eyes and just listens. Lets her mind shut off, focusing only on lilting melodies and single points of contact. She relaxes, cautiously wraps her wings loosely round the two of them. Carmilla reaches up, gently runnimg her hand along the top edge of the wings. Raphaella hadn't let anyone touch her wings in a long time, only the briefest necessary when she couldn't quite manage fixing something on them herself. She'd forgotten how _nice_ this felt, how much she could enjoy another's touch.

Carmilla isn't forgiven by any means, but she's at least scoring a bit better than earlier. Perhaps Raphaella will tell her this. For now, she just wants to let herself enjoy the moment.

* * *

**VI.**

> Maybe Raph should stay with Carmilla a few days. She offers this, even presses a hesitant kiss to her forehead. She will sink them both to the ground and mutter to her in a different langauge and offer her breakfast, Toast, strawberries, avocado. No eggs, and no seeds on the strawberries. Carmilla remembers how Raph hates them. She remembers everything about Raph, of course.

And Raphaella finds herself agreeing. A lot can happen in a few days – so much has already happened in just a few hours – and really, she doesn't _want_ to turn this down.

The next few days with Carmilla are like a dream in the exact opposite way the previous night was. It feels like walking a trail she's known her whole life; she could do it with her eyes closed, but she keeps them open anyway. Doesn't want to miss a thing.

She finds she's still got Carmilla mapped out in her mind. All the same terrain, just a bit eroded over time. Every breath still catches in the way of someone who hasn't needed to in long enough time to forget. Every scar twists its way around right where it should be, albeit a bit lighter, and sometimes with a couple more added nearby.

She knows how Carmilla's mind works, and not much of it's changed. A little more stealthy, a little more on guard, but who lives as long as either of them have without refining their craft? She finds herself playing Carmilla some of the songs the Mechs have written since her departure. Triies catching her up on their lives, though she's never been too good at figuring out what details are and aren't important to include in a story. Anyone else would've lost track of the twisted webs she weaves with their adventures, but Carmilla's mind is ever so agile, following her through to every tale's end.

Raphaella even finds that Carmilla's new bandmates aren't that bad, actually. No wonder she's been sticking with them so long now. She goes to their shows each night, and sometimes Carmilla will have her come up on stage and do one, too. It's fun, and it feela like just maybe they could build something good from this. Maybe.

* * *

**VII.**

> And finally, one night, Raph is enjoying a show and Carmilla pulls her up onstage and whispers "I love you; don't hate me," in her ear and kisses her. Even dips her down! Raph panics. Can she trust this? Can she love the woman who has plagued her every thought? Or does she still want her dead?

It's the most conflicting feeling, really. But what would you expect? The 'don't hate me' with no context is like a ghost running through her. Anxiety sets in and it's as if the temperature in here dropped twenty degrees. She doesn't need to know what's coming next; some part of her brain has already decided that whatever it is, it's going to be bad and she needs to get out _now._

So she does. Excuses herself with a quick, "I need some air," and makes a beeline for the nearest exit.

The night air is cold, but anything is better than the icy spikes of anxiety driving into her with every moment she stayed inside. She takes deep breaths, tries to calm herself as finds herself sliding down the wall like her legs gave out. Her wings flutter noisily behind her as she shakes them about, attempting to use both the familiar tactile and auditory stimulation to ground herself.

And once again, a far-too-familiar voice calls to her from the doorway, "Darling, are you all right?"

* * *

**VIII.**

> Carmilla finds herself on her knees, in front of her. "Do you remember, when we first got together, how much Jonny hated it?" She's diverting. Carmilla goes off into a story, about Jonny, about Nastya, about anything that comes to mind. The underlying tone feels like "We don't have to acknowledge it untill you're ready."

And Raphaella's grateful for that, truly. She laughs, and it's _real_ this time. She _does_ remember, and she remembers how she tortured them about her being their 'stepmother' now, and how they'll have to start payimg her proper respect (they never did).

They sit there for quite some time, just talking old memories and laughing until Raphaella almost completely forgets what she was so anxious about in the first place. She leans over, resting her head on Carmilla's shoulder. Stretches a wing behind them, draping it over Carmilla's other shoulder. Holding her like she's being held.

"Sorry for making you stop your show again." It's as much an admission of guilt as it is an apology. Full with earnestness, yet tinged with a shard of anxiety Raphaella hadn't quite managed to dig out of herself.

"Oh, they know how to play a few songs without me. Wouldn't dare run with a band less competent than that," Carmilla reassures her with a laugh. '"I'm sorry for scaring you. Some moments are a bit too personal to put on stage, I suppose."

Raphaella is quiet. She wants to say it's all right, but she still feels that anxiety gnawing at her ever-so-slightly, unable to fully let it go without resolution. She decides instead to ask something else that had been gnawing at her.

"How long will this last? You can't stay on one planet forever; I know you better than that."

"As long as you'll allow it, darling." Carmilla's response is quick and sure, as if she's had this exact conversation in her mind a million times over, practised time and time again for this very moment. "You could stay with us, forever or just for a while. You could go back to the Mechs, never see me again or keep in touch and maybe we'll both have a few _very coincidental_ stops on our respective tours... Perhaps we could even tour together sometime. Wouldn't _that_ be something?"

"It sure _would_ be something." Raphaella smiles, and for now, the future seems bright. 

**Author's Note:**

> You can find us both on Tumblr at twopairsofeyes and [transcognizi](https://transcognizi.tumblr.com) respectively!


End file.
